45 Things Donald Trump Should Pardon

It’s totally possible within minutes or seconds of me posting this the soon-to-be former president will have announced his pardons already. Even so, I’ve decided to make a last ditch plea for consideration by the 45th president. Here it goes… I need to type quickly. I’m running out of time, and so are the people, places and things on this list. The list follows — in no particular order. BTW — there’s nothing remotely funny about this administration so I’m hoping some of these make you laugh.

1. The Last Jedi
2. The final season of Game of Thrones and Dexter.
3. Dominos Pizza’s The Noid
4. Mike Myer’s Judge Ito impression on Saturday Night Live
5. Sofia Coppola’s performance in The Godfather Part III — Coda or no Coda
6. Mantecore
7. People who still use the word “epic”
8. Javier Bardem’s No Country for Old Men haircut
9. Anthony Hopkins for appearing in Transformers: The Last Knight
10. MC Skat Kat
11. Z. Cavaricci
12. People who still use Drakkar Noir
13. My friend who popped dodge balls at a day camp I worked at
14. McDonald’s for still using “I’m lovin’ it” as a tagline
15. The Grammys for giving Steely Dan gold over Nirvana
16. The Black Eyed Peas for writing “My Humps”
17. Vince McMahon for leaving Donald Trump in its wrestling Hall of Fame
18. Fannypacks
19. The guy who thought it was a good idea to put commercials before trailers in movie theaters.
20. Tony Little’s ponytail
21. Rudy Giuliani’s farts
22. Friendster
23. Popeye’s Sea Hag
24. Season Three of This is Us
25. Pixar’s Cars 3
26. Peter Cetera’s haircut in the “Glory of Love” music video
27. Obama’s tan suit
28. Hillary’s emails
29. Crystal Pepsi
30. New Coke
31. The Alf Christmas Special
32. The original Aunt Viv
33. Dumb and Dumber To
34. The Gimp from Pulp Fiction
35. Gunther from Friends
36. Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch
37. The Director’s Cut of Cats
38. The first episode of WandaVision
39. Best Buy’s return policy
40. Gina Carano’s Twitter feed
41. Barnes & Noble bathrooms
42. The Wilpon Family
43. Home Alone 2’s pigeon lady
44. Jimmy Fallon’s hair rub
45. The door that hits him in the ass on the way out